Realisations

 There's a lot of talk at the moment about violence against women being perpetrated by men, my initial thought was simply that I am a man and I am not violent towards women which, whilst true is entirely unhelpful.

The point is that I am a man, I don't like that I belong to a group that statistically is so likely to be violent towards women but I am and the only way to start to fix such a screwed up situation is to recognise that it is a screwed up situation that needs the help of people unlucky enough to find themselves in the group that are responsible for the crimes.

It takes a great deal to realise that when someone says men are committing violence against women they are not pointing the finger at a specific man but saying that as a group is statistically doing it, no one is saying all men but we need to realise the percentage within that group.

Take an extreme case someone says people walk on two legs, most people will agree this is the case but there are those that do not have 2 legs, or those that cannot walk, it's not that we're saying that they walk on 2 legs but the group as a whole does and they may feel upset thinking you make a claim about them that simply isn't true but the statement over the group as a whole is true.

Once you get past this fact you can address the real issue.

The fact that I am in a group that's bad but I am not bad means I am in a position to fix the problem, I don't want anyone else in my group to do bad things.

I don't believe that people are born bad, I reach that conclusion based on kids in a playground...

Its been a while

 I've not written a blog for a while.  I guess the most important thing to start with is that I have bowel cancer :( 

I had a recurring stomach ache and eventually mentioned it to the doctor, I had an appointment a month from when I reported the pain - bit ridiculous but it is what it is - the pain reached a point that I needed intervention so I managed to get an emergency appointment, the doctor was nice and suggested a few tests primarily around seeing if it was IBS, she also suggested cocodomol as a pain killer.  The pain killer was very useful and I was able to get sleep which I was sorely lacking.

I survived a while but nothing got better so I went to the doctor again, this time seeing a different one, he once again said it is most likely IBS but just in case he wanted to take some other tests.  

I took a turn for the worst shortly after this and was unable to eat solid food and my stomach became very distended.  I had some scans planned for the future so I held out for them, I started being very sick around this time, throwing up and actually started hallucinating, I remember a vivid conversation I had with someone in my room about whether I should operate on myself, it turns out it was the wardrobe in my room.

I attended the ultrascan, the technician said I was obviously very sick but needed to be somewhere else as the scan would not help, straight after the scan I went to A&E.

In A&E the triage nurse said it sounds like a definitely have a blockage, we'll get a cannula fitted and replace those lost fluids and get to the bottom of what's causing it.  Finally some progress!!  The nurse fitted a cannula, very skillfully as I didn't feel a thing.

I waited in the main waiting area and then was called in by the doctor, despite physically looking like crap and in fact vomiting up crap, faecal vomit is a most disgusting thing, the doctor said there's likely nothing wrong and I should just go home, despite me saying how long ago since I ate he told me I must've eaten brown food for the faecal vomit, what a FUCKING MORON!

I waited again and was eventually called back in by the same doctor, where upon he said it sounds like I have a tumour but there's nothing they can do now and sent me home after removing the cannula.

I continued to have very bad nights, I had a weird hallucination whereby I spoke to myself contemplating whether I was in real pain or not, by this point I was only sleeping for about 20 mins or so at a time due to passing out due to the pain.

I had a colonoscopy, despite vomiting 3 litres of preparation because I now had a 100% blockage so that stuff wasn't going anywhere.

Later a received a phone call telling me to get to surgical assistance as soon as possible - the guy sounded like I should really get there fast.

I got there and stayed overnight on painkillers, the next day I had a stent, this seemed to start to work but a day later I was in serious pain, but a different pain from before, after a scan I was rushed into surgery as an emergency, I had around 30cm of bowel removed and was given a stoma - I didn't even know what one of them was.

Oddly while I recovered in the HDU I was finally pain free, because I was on morphine but I could finally sleep.

Since then I've been recovering from surgery, learning how to deal with a stoma and how it has changed my diet, the stoma is actually the easiest thing to get to grips with.

So far I've had 4 cycles of chemo and am due another 4.  Chemo is hard to get used to, weird symptoms like re-wiring of my cold receptors to now be pain receptors, the first time I washed my hands in cold water it was like a hundred pins had stabbed me.  I can drink cold drinks for a while after treatment either because of my throat closing up, add to that the tiredness, sickness and just plain confusion I feel I'll be glad when it's over.

With all that said, things are heading in the right direction and I cannot fault any of the medical staff that have dealt with me other than the idiot Dr I met in A&E that needs some serious re-training, I mean seriously who tells a patient they may have a tumour then immediately sends them home what a prat!

I've also come to realise just what a great number of friends I have and how willing people are to lend a hand, that's the Britain I live in, not one where right wing thugs rule the place which is what I see portrait on the news every day.